Friday, March 03, 2006

Coz he can never say, "I quit"

He has always been a authority at home. His wife, his two sons is the whole world for him. He shall leave home everyday in the morning 9 AM, shall come back in the afternoon for lunch, go back to office around 2 PM and then come back home in the evening around 6:30 PM.

He had never been ambitious, always believed in caring for the family, righteousness of the soul and ethics. He had been a very Good father, a great husband, and very normal human being. He is the kinda "Common Man" which R.k Laxman shall draw in his "You said it" in Times of India pretty often.

Today somehow he woke up early in the morning and went to nearby park. Before leaving he made sure that his wife is sleeping and he is not making any jesture which shall wake her up before the usual timings.

Walking slowly, his mind is wandering, from past few days, he is disturbed. There is nothing unusual that has happened, but still something is there. He start going deep down the memory lane to identify.

Today his both kids are grown ups and have a very good job, elder is married and is abroad since last year, they are planning for the marriage of the younger one. His retirement is still 2 years ahead. It seems that he has fullfilled his duties well. His wife never asked anything which is far from his reach. But somehow he is feeling unfullfilled.

He needed that answer right away. But didn't knew where to go. Long time back somebody told him, "your elder son is great analyst, you must be pretty lucky to be his father". At that time he took it as just another praise. "So should I call him", he pondered.

He takes out his mobiles and dials him.

"Hello, Hi Dad, What happened, everything okay, you are awake so early", He was surpised.
"Yes Sneh, I donno, I woke up early today, so thought of calling you, it must be night in there, are you about to sleep, I want to talk about few things....", he answered.
"It's okay dad, its not that late in here...wait, u disconnect the phone, I shall call you" Sneh said.

He smiled and thought," Sneh shall always be Sneh...He shall never change"

Ring tone brought him out of his thought process.

"Ya Dad, tell me what has happened?", Sneh is all questions.
"Sneh, nothing serious as such, it something like I was thinking, that I have missed something somewhere, I donno what, where, why and how...But something is missing."

"hmmm Dad!! I knew that this shall be coming someday, but so soon is puzzling me, anyhow as you said, yes there is something missing", Sneh said.
"Sneh, how come you know it all, I never expected that, Is it really true that you can visualise future as people always say to me?", He asked.
"Well Dad! I am not a fortune teller, I donno why I always know what other person is about to ask and why he is about to ask it, sometimes I wanna get rid of it but matter how far I run from it, there is always somebody who brings me near to it. I believe I have to live with it. Anyhow I donno if you shall accept what I am about to tell you." Sneh's voice was trembling.

He thought for a minute and that minute was like a eon for him, "What is that, which Sneh knows, and he is so sure about it? and why is his voice shaking ?"

Sneh continued, "Dad, you are unfull-filled coz you never said I quit. You were there always, all the time, fighting on your own most of time alone."

He was taken aback for a moment. He started thinking and Sneh continued.

"Dad, I have analyzed you so many times and thought about you, I have started observing the way you settle the things and fight for it. You were never shrewd or clever to find a escape route. You always fought for the family and never said "I Quit". I remember the instances when you were almost broke but you never broke to tears for not being able to cope up the pressures.
You never shared the pain you felt, when I left, when bro left, when there were transfers to unknown and unhealthy territories, you travelled long distances to earn. I knew it all the way.

I was waiting that one day, when everything else shall be okay, but thy shall then realise that there is something missing in your life. That day is today. I know you can never share it with mom. The pressure, the agony, the fight, the pain of never taking a step back. Being the person standing all the time, looking forward for somebody to lend his hand, to be able to say a few words to bring relief to the grief, its heck of a task Dad. I know it and you why I know it all. Coz Dad, I am trying my best to be YOU someday.

I am trying to be able to handle all the pressure on my own. To bring up the family, to bring up the kids like the way you did. But still, I can never be as opaque as you were to Mom and bro, "Sangini" - your daughter in law is still able to discover the sweat on my forehead whenever I try to hard to hide them. I realised it that I can never be so opaque when I moved out for the first time.

Dad, I remember the days when you never confronted the people around you, making mockery of you being so serious and being so reserved. They shall never understand the reason, but I know, you were introvert before them and never answered them back, coz you never wanted to expose us to any difficult ego. I knew that you can answer them back and hurt their ego the way they did to yours, but you never replied. You know Dad, That is why I myself developed being a rebellion and Dad, I have answered them all back and in their lingo. I have hurted their EGO now to a limit, that they shall never raise their heads in front of you.

Dad, you know that I know that you were no God, you also failed, but you were always a shield when it came to us. Today, you are unfull-filled coz you want to know, you want to sit, and let some tears flow for the times, you were in pain.

It might have been difficult in those times, but yes Dad, I know though we are far from each other, but I can still feel, you soul getting heavy.

Dad, sit at the bench near you. Please...Let your tears flow today. There is nobody around. You shall feel better. But I want you to know, that I am proud to be your son, and yes someday I shall be you.

So Dad, Before Mom wakes up today, let these tears flow and I promise, have confidence on my confidence and that thy shall never feel unfull-filled ever after."

Sneh was silent after that and He moved to the nearest chair, sat and started weeping.

Sneh is still listening to his beats and can feel the wet tears flowing and being absorbed in the earth.

Sneh somehow knows that from today onwards there shall be no reservation between him and his Dad.

He sat there for an hour and then wiped of his tears, washed his face and left for home. He has decided that today after 35 Years he shall be preparing tea for his wife AGAIN.

Story is now complete. I dont know how many of you can feel and know what I was trying to say. I myself don't know how to make you understand Him and his son Sneh and the relationship between them. So I leave it to the reader to identify themselves with both of these characters.

I am leaving the lines written below as they are coz I want keep a reminder for myself of the headache.
Headache is under control but still some problem is there, I shall be able to settle I believe :) and there are few ppl who also believe and a blog friend has sincerly told me that She won't be happy to see me awake late night :) so guys and gals I am gonna hit the bed.

The lines below shall be there till, I complete the story.

Hammers hitting the skull it seems, emotions are teared in between,

A lot is needed to be done and completed, the stakes are high and so are the desires,
But it seems, the mind is illusioned by a Red hot Fire,

Somebody do something fast, this headache should not last,
The arrow has been cast, and I cannot rhyme it coz of the pain,
coz what I want say is beyond the my vision,
and shall be definately said even if you donot see any reason


  1. u have a head ache? Take a Saridon & a cup of strong hot coffee. Close your eyes & just try to sleep. Dont let your mind wander.

    Your thoughts are all negative so u get head ache, narazgi, senti etc etc.

    is this a real story?

  2. [BnB] - Nothing helpes..its seems somehow too much thought process has gone into the brains and its overworking or sth like that...Negatives are blown as I am writing those is basically wherein I write the thoughts and get rid of most of them :)

    The story is real and I know all of the characters in it.